Some of you are scoffing at this topic even before you start to read it.—I hear you. “Who wouldn’t joyfully accept a compliment?” The truth is that most people have a great deal of trouble accepting compliments based on a number of myths: 1) being humble is always best; 2) I have to agree with a compliment to accept it; and 3) people who compliment you want something in return or are delivering a veiled insult. We’ll bypass the cynicism of that last one for a bit but I promise to circle back around.
Being humble is one of those passive aggressive messes that populate our
current psychological landscape. The perception is that I need to be fantastic, out-of-this-world, perfect even; BUT I must not admit that I think I am any of those things. So when I receive a compliment: “You are out-of-this-world perfection,” then I respond, “Not at all. Really you give me too much credit.” The truth is when you respond to compliments in this way, you are insulting the person who just complimented you. The compliment-er is clearly misguided, unintelligent, or mentally incapacitated in some way to even think that I am any of those things! It’s the equivalent of yelling at them, “Liar!” Not really humble…closer to wacky, really.
Clearly then you do not have to believe a compliment is true to accept it. It’s
gracious to allow someone to have good opinion of you. “What are you blind?” should not be the comeback to “You are beautiful!” Common varieties on this theme include, “What? This old thing?” “It’s not too bold of a color for me?” “It’s wasn’t that hard, anybody could do it!” All responses that dismiss your talents and attributes and insult the person who complimented you. If you can’t choke out the words “thank you,” go old school and say something like, “You are too kind.”
Finally, (or firstly to those of you who went directly to cynicism), the myth
people give false compliments for any number of malicious reasons. If you’re five year old tells you you’re so pretty, I don’t blame you for being skeptical. Random sincere compliments from five-year-olds are quite rare. There are also the random jerks who enjoy complimenting you as an insult. “Nice shirt!” I’m here to tell you there is a wonderful way to twist cynicism on its side---take the compliment more seriously than you have taken anything else in your whole life. “Thank you! Aren’t you just so sweet!” or “Thank you! My deceased mother bought this for me right before she died!” Think about it. The jerk will have to awkwardly explain that what he said was not meant as a compliment and if you add the deceased mother thing when other people are around, he will be standing alone very quickly…cause dead mothers are sacred. The cynical paragraph was worth waiting for wasn’t it?
So accepting compliments is really the easiest thing in the world. When in
doubt, smile brightly and just say “thank you.”
For your consideration,
Ellen Larabee, MA, LPCC
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