I have been seeing a theme amongst things I have read this week: Meaning is created when people connect to one another. This point of view has been a long-term and deeply held belief for me. Fiction I have written and plays I have directed all center on this theme. If nothing else, reading that others feel the same way serves as a validation.
Of course after validation, I begin to muse on how different people navigate the need to connect. Connecting is no easy feat despite the innumerable ways available to us: texting, Facebooking, Tweeting; and Instagramming among many others that I am not hip enough to know about. While I am tempted to go off on a rant about how all these hip things actually serve to widen the gap between us, I will demure. Which ain’t easy.
Sitting with clients, I embrace the view of Carl Rogers to be authentically and unconditionally present. My attention is focused on listening to them paint a word picture of what their world entails. I ask questions when I am unclear of what they are describing and when appropriate, I relate what I am feeling as their world unfolds. One thing that happens often is what I call the “I know.” It can go something like this: “Mom was doing her usual guilt trip.” Me: “And how did you respond to that?” “I didn’t say anything. I know nothing changes unless I speak up.” I used to think if my client already “knows,” what purpose do I serve?
In time I have come to understand that an “I know” without a witness does not have the same strength or value it does when you are listened to closely by a caring and genuine ear. Is it the neutrality that makes this listening therapeutic? If it is, then perhaps this type of listening is not something we can easily do with the people in our lives whom we care about and who care about us. But this view makes human connection rare because certainly our lives are not populated by those who are neutral towards us or our relationship.
I hope neutrality isn’t the secret. I hope that the human connection made in a therapy session serves as a model for my clients to replicate with the important people in their lives. If I am that caring person who listens and reflects within my clients’ lives, then it is my honor to do so.
For your consideration,
Ellen Larabee, MA, LPCC
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